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Post by LuKkYaQuAgIrL on Aug 23, 2005 23:08:11 GMT -5
sounds interesting
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Post by powerdroid on Aug 23, 2005 23:49:21 GMT -5
That is a good start to a tale. I prefer 'em a bit longer, but that's me.
Keep writing. You've got something there.
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Post by swemer on Aug 24, 2005 3:00:36 GMT -5
keep on writing! you are doing great!
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Post by Merstar on Aug 25, 2005 11:08:08 GMT -5
If you want to know where my story went my brother logged into me and deleted my story cuz' he was jelous. I will have the story back up in a couple of days.
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Post by swemer on Aug 25, 2005 11:54:21 GMT -5
Aww... Can't he write anything on his own then?
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Post by Merstar on Sept 1, 2005 14:27:14 GMT -5
Not really no........
But Aw well...........
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Post by josh89 on Feb 2, 2006 20:00:09 GMT -5
good title..but it will be intersting 2 hear da story
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Post by fapingmulan on Feb 13, 2006 18:33:34 GMT -5
Can you post the story up? I'm dying to read it
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Post by Merstar on Feb 23, 2006 18:00:38 GMT -5
Yes, I will, just give a few more days. I have been a bit sidetracked by school, Xmas, Bdayand all that's inbetween. I have fianlly finished it in Word. It will be up shortly.
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Post by Merstar on Feb 24, 2006 12:12:30 GMT -5
Chapter 1
It was sunrise . Everyone in the palce was fast asleep, exept for one, the Princess Melody. Melody carefully lifted the bedsheets as quietly as possible, she tiptoed over to her balcony and parted the curtains and peered out. The sea was starting to wake up as the waves began to lap back and forth as they normally did, the sun rising gradually, giving the sea an orange glow.Melody smiled, everything looked perfect.
But it wasn't. Because hiding behind a boulder, was the Evil Manta. " I am in the designated position. Now what?" he hissed into a clam like a cell phone, his voice was cold and sharp as a knife. Another voice hissed back, "Use the blow-gun I gave you, the little brat is on the balcony now,aim for her! you blunderhead!"
Within a few seconds, Melody colappesed to the floor in a heap. A few hours later, Queen Ariel (Or Ariel to the people who knew her well) crept into her daughter's room, to find she wasn't there, as usual. She walked over to the balcony to call out from there, to see her daughter laying on the floor. Ariel then ran out of the room to find her husband.
Comments will be highly accepeted !!
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Post by lilariel on Feb 28, 2006 13:00:47 GMT -5
Very Cool.
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Post by Merstar on Mar 1, 2006 6:04:37 GMT -5
thanks
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Post by LuKkYaQuAgIrL on Mar 1, 2006 20:45:15 GMT -5
ooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! go on!
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Post by Merstar on Mar 2, 2006 13:51:46 GMT -5
I will! I'm holding the suspense longer !!!
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Post by WickedElphie on Mar 17, 2006 15:04:24 GMT -5
Hey there Merstar! I see you've posted this on Fanfiction.net, but it's slightly different. Since that version's newer, I'll respond to that. BTW on fanfiction.net you aren't allowing anonymous reviews. www.fanfiction.net/s/2847161/1/OK. I'm going to be pretty critical here, but let me assure you your story DOES NOT suck. You're a new writer, so you're going to make mistakes. I've been writing for about five years now, and God knows I'm not perfect. Two thumbs way way up: 1st: Props for having decent spelling and correct grammar. Believe it or not, that can sometimes be a problem, especially on ff.net. 2nd: I've been a fan of Sailor Moon since forever, so I LOVE the idea of a fusion between SM and TLM. Question: Are we talking dub or Japanese version? Either way, if you ever need some information on the manga/anime, I'd be happy to share it with you. You obviously have a clear idea of where you want to go with this story, which is great. I can tell it's going to be very original. Things that could be improved: Your chapter's a little on the short side. Now, you don't need twenty pages, but I'd say 2-3 pages is a pretty safe minimum. Like your story as a whole, each chapter should have a beginning, middle, and end. How you structure this depends on your personal style. You might want to focus on one set of characters per chapter, or go back and forth between scenes. You're time-line's a little shaky for me: Melody's a character, yet Morgana's not an ice cube. A quick line establishing that she'd freed herself/ had been freed by someone else would set this decisively after the second movie and end the confusion. It seems unlikely that Morgana would be able to free the Cave Sorceress who is shown as powerful, yet needs the trident to break free of the cave, when we know from TLM2 Morgana's not the best at casting spells. She needed a leftover potion from Ursula to even turn Melody into a mermaid. Also, the Cave Sorceress states that Ariel put her in the cave. That's not quite right. King Triton did, a long time ago. But in the episode "Red" the sorceress, through the glow-fish, changed King Triton into a child, so she could trick him into giving her the trident. Ariel was there with her father, and I believe she was suspicious of the sorceress, giving the spell time to reverse. I'm not entirely sure about the last, but I can check my copy of the episode. The point is, if you're not sure about the details, go ahead and be vague. Having the sorceress say, "Oh, I remember her all right, the little brat." would have been enough. On the other hand, expanding on details allows you to pull the reader in. The conference of villains feels a little rushed. Take your time to set the scene piece by piece; build up the suspense and sense of drama; hook the reader. Overall: Yes, there are some things that could be better, but there's also a LOT to like. I really, truly hope you continue. There's SO much potential. I'm sorry if I seemed harsh, but I'd love to see this story become even better. Can't wait for the next part! |
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Post by Merstar on Mar 17, 2006 16:27:57 GMT -5
thank you for the critism. I will discuss this with you further. but not here. I'll pm u later
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Post by Kusanagi on Jun 6, 2006 9:20:18 GMT -5
Thats pretty good Katie n_n
Is Melody dead?
*fingers crossed* I hope she is lol
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Post by Merstar on Jun 9, 2006 11:57:22 GMT -5
We'll see. It depends on what mood i'm in
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Post by Kusanagi on Jun 12, 2006 9:22:15 GMT -5
*puppy dog eyes* pleaaaaaaase
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