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Post by fridamoonbeam on Feb 1, 2009 0:25:44 GMT -5
OOOH! Cilffhanger!
I really can't wait to see what happens next.
I can totally picture Eric being like "WTF!" when he saw Daemon. XD
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 1, 2009 1:44:55 GMT -5
Yeah, Poor Eric's kinda having a surreal day. Poor dude.
I'm glad you're looking forward to what's coming up-I am too. I think it'll be interesting both to write and read. At least I hope so. LOL.
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Post by Zavi on Feb 1, 2009 19:04:46 GMT -5
Somewhere in the snowy mountains of New Hampshire, a fangirl cries, "Noooo!"
Gaah, you're throwing me through loops and the tension is dripping. As bad as that sounds, I mean that in a very good way! XD
Eric's sure got a lot of explaining to do when things come back to normal (if they ever do). Then again, if he's having a day as strange as that, I don't think he'll be able to wrap his head around it.
Advice of the day: don't be afraid to slow down a bit and lather on the tension with description/setting and such. Not too much, since this was pretty fast-paced, but just enough so I really know where the characters are and how they're reacting.
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 5, 2009 0:29:33 GMT -5
Sorry. It looks like it'll be another day or two before the first section of chapter ten's up. I am working on it, but I really nnat to get it just right before I post, and that hasn't happened yet. I promise it'll be up soon.
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Post by fridamoonbeam on Feb 5, 2009 11:20:12 GMT -5
Dang it, just a tease post XD Anyway, I'm really looking forward to it.
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 6, 2009 11:57:03 GMT -5
I'm still not completely happy with it, but sense I'm going to be offline most of the weekend I wanted to at least start Chapter 10. This is kind of going to take us out of the drama for a bit, but I promise the next section will bring us back.
When you feel all alone And a loyal friend is hard to find You’re caught in a one way street With the monsters in your head When hopes and dreams are far away And you feel like you can't face the day
Let me be the one you call If you jump Ill break your fall Lift you up and fly away with you into the night If you need to fall apart I can mend a broken heart If you need to crash then crash and burn You’re not alone-"Crash and Burn"-Savage Garden
Chapter 10: Crash and Burn
“You…” Fear, anger, and grief played across Daemon’s face.
“Come on now. You might think you weren’t glad to see me.”
When you feel all alone
Ariel watched this other, darker, version of her self approach Daemon. She opened her mouth to ask him what was going on, but stopped when she head a familiar voice.
“Ariel?” It was Eric, her Eric. He looked like he had been in a fight, but was otherwise exactly the same…except for the fact that he was suddenly sporting a merman’s tail. Not that it didn’t look nice; it did. It was a sort of royal blue. It fit him…and this wasn’t the time for that train of thought. Next to him were Sebastian, Flounder, Urchin (looking much more grown up than the last time she’d seen him, but a little worse for the wear himself), and a mermaid she didn’t know who kept her face hidden.
She spared a glance for Daemon, who was still frozen with emotion, then went to her fiancé’s side.
And the world has turned its back on you
Eric smiled as Ariel came to sit beside the moat. She reached out her hand over the water to touch his face and he did the same to her. “It‘s really you,” he breathed, “I half-thought it was another illusion or something else…”Drinking in the sight of her, words failed him, so he spoke with action instead.
Eric pulled himself out of the water to sit by her side, let his fingers brush Ariel’s cheek once more, and then leaned in to kiss her. There was no hesitance, no shame, he just let his emotions carry him. Without parting his lips from hers, he told her how afraid he’d been for her, how lost he’d felt, how much he needed her, always, for the rest of his life. In return Ariel told him how much she had missed him, how confused she’d been upon waking, how much she still was, how glad she was to see him, whether it be with fins or feet, how much she would always need *him*.
When they finally separated, Ariel laughed, “I missed you too.” She blinked. “Wait a second, didn’t you just have a tail?”
Eric looked at himself, and yes, his shirt, pants, and legs had made a reappearance. “Yeah, it‘s been sort of coming and going. The scary thing is I’m almost getting used to changing back and forth.”
“And you‘re not worried?”
This time it was Eric’s turn to blink. “Oh, no,” he explained, pointing at the masked mermaid, “Selene did it so I could come here to find you. ”
Ariel raised her eyebrow, “That makes a little more sense. I thought you meant it was just happening by itself.”
“No, that would just be strange.”
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
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Post by fridamoonbeam on Feb 6, 2009 17:43:25 GMT -5
Aww, how cute are they?!
I love how they take the time to just check in with the other kind of ignoring for a moment of the AU versions of themselves XD
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Post by Zavi on Feb 6, 2009 21:36:12 GMT -5
Totally seconded. D'aaaw, they're adorable. Gotta love the dialogue, too. I keep reading it and the fuzzies pour in every time. Word choice = <3. As well as the whole suspension of disbelief. So much stuff's been going on that Eric's actually getting used to it. XP Advice of the day: -thinks- I didn't find this in any way wordy (that's really good, as the last six essays I've critiqued have earned "BE CONCISE!" underlined many times), though there were a couple things that would've had more impact if you used less words and stronger words.
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 8, 2009 19:52:57 GMT -5
Back from my trip!
Thanks very much for the kind words, guys!
Zavi:
Could you give me specific examples?
BTW-I'm not being defensive. It just helps to have something concrete to look at.
It's gonna be a few more days before the next update as I now have play catch-up with real life stuff. Look for more story Tuesday night or Wednesday afternoon.
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Post by Zavi on Feb 8, 2009 20:17:06 GMT -5
Oh, no problem. Sorry about that.
I'm not quite getting an impact here. You were describing Eric, and then everybody else. There was a mix of topics/emotions and I wasn't quite sure what to get out of it.
I'm thinking you wrote this to express how they said a lot without words, but it got a little overwhelming. I loved the beginning (especially the second sentence--short, sweet, squee-worthy, and a lovely verb) and then it got hard to follow.
The "headhop" between Eric and Ariel got lost in the sentences. I didn't catch it the first time around. Sometimes, when the most powerful moments are shown to the reader in fewer/strong words, it gives a better impact. Sort of like how you hug your best friend after she's been gone forever--it's a really short moment, but you really feel the punch.
Okay, that was a horrible analogy. But you get the gist. XP
Don't think I don't love that paragraph, though. I totally do.
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 9, 2009 10:52:12 GMT -5
I get what you mean. In those two spots I was going for a sort of stream of conciousness feel, but i guess it didn't come across as well as I would have wanted it to. I'll probably fiddle with both sections before I give Annie the completed version for DtD when it's finished.
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Aquanaut
Blowfish
One Step Closer
Posts: 31
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Post by Aquanaut on Feb 9, 2009 12:45:55 GMT -5
Oh my gosh! I just found this story last night and I love it! You write all of the characters so well! I can't wait for more!
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 9, 2009 13:36:29 GMT -5
Hi there! Hearing from a new reader always makes my day. I'm so glad you're enjoying the story so far!
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 14, 2009 20:08:04 GMT -5
New section! Sorry for the wait, but real life stuff kind of got in the way for a bit. However, I should have the next section done by tomorrow night, so hopefully that'll make up for a little bit. No song lyrics in this section because it's already kind of segmented and I needed the italics.
Had Ariel and Eric been paying attention, they would have realized that other reunion occurring wasn‘t quite so happy.
Daemon backed away at the Siren‘s approach. “There‘s no need to come any closer. And you may as well show your true form.”
“All right then. I can be reasonable.” She smiled serenely and circled her right hand in front of her face. The change was immediate. Her peaches and cream complexion gave way to death-like pallor, save for the ruby-red of her lips. Her simple dress shifted to a sleeveless blackish-green sheath that clung to her curves before fanning out like a mermaid’s tail. Her hair lengthened into a blood-red curtain that fell nearly to her feet. Only the shape and form of her face and figure remained the same, remained Ariel’s.
She looked into Daemon’s eyes. “Are you happy now?”
Eric awoke to a muffled cry. Immediately he turned to his wife, who sat on her side of the bed, knees curled to her chest, quietly shaking-the same way she had every night since the sea witch’s defeat.
He reached over and gently brushed her bangs out of her eyes. “Another nightmare?”
Ariel started, then seemed to calm as she realized where she was. “Eric! I’m so sorry. I woke you. I didn’t mean to….” She trailed off uncertainly.
“You don’t have be sorry. I‘m not mad.” He rubbed soothing circles into the small of her back and she leaned into his touch. “I just hate to see you hurting. I wish I could make it better.”
“You do.”
But her eyes still didn’t shine the way they used to.
“What do you want?”
Ariel sat on the beach, staring out to sea. She heard approaching footsteps and knew exactly who they belonged to.
“Ariel?”
Her beautiful boy. Her wonderful man. She’d never meant to hurt him. She turned to face him. “I know.”
Eric dropped to her side, confused. “What do you know?”
“Why I‘ve been having nightmares, forgetting things. They weren‘t dreams, they were warnings.”
“Warnings?”
He reached out to stroke her cheek, but she pushed his hand away.
“Warnings.” she continued, her voice shaking, “We were so naïve. Darkness doesn‘t die, it just finds another way back.”
“Ariel?”
“I have to go.”
The Siren tilted her head to the side. “You know perfectly well what I want. Now, give it back, and we can forget all this.”
"She really left. I don‘t understand. Why did she think she had to go?” Eric frantically addressed King Triton.
The old Mer-King sighed, despair filling his every word. “Do you remember the night you fought Ursula?”
“Of course.” Eric didn’t think he *could* forget that night, and its consequences.
“We thought Ursula died, but that wasn‘t completely true. A small part of her survived and made its way into the closest living being. Into Ariel.”
“So what you’re saying is that a piece of Ursula crept inside Ariel, and somehow, possessed her? How do we get it out?”
“We don‘t. It’s too late. “
“How can you say that?” Eric shouted, “She‘s your daughter!”
“I’ve seen her. She came to Atlantica.”
Suddenly Eric had a sickening realization. “Where‘s the trident?”
Triton bowed his head. “The Siren, as she now calls herself, offered a trade. In exchange for the trident, she would leave Atlantica and the other undersea kingdoms in peace. It seems that she no longer has any desire to rule. Her only interests now are in obtaining absolute knowledge and greater magical power.”
“But doesn‘t the fact that she doesn't want to take over mean Ariel might still be in there somewhere?” Eric's eyes begged for something to hold onto.
“No. Her change in priorities is nothing more than an echo. There isn‘t anything left of Ariel to save. There is no hope.”
“What do you mean there‘s no hope?…I won‘t abandon her. Not again.”
“What makes you think I have it?” Daemon all but snorted at the Siren, “As I recall you were the last one to wield it.”
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Post by Zavi on Feb 14, 2009 20:59:34 GMT -5
Don't worry about the wait; I'm patient (sometimes). Deal with your real-life stuff first and don't worry about rushing chapters out the door.
Just before I logged in, you updated. Good timing, I must say! XP
Lovelovelove. I like how the word choice contributes to the physical aspects of the character AND a bit of the personality.
LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE. You show a side of Ariel that's seldom seen--a subdued perpetual bubbliness along with the fear that overtakes her. I think it's always powerful when Ariel shows this, since she's adventurous and doesn't slow down enough to feel fear. On the rare occasions that she does, it deepens her character.
I'm sure there are many words I could use to express my adoration of that passage, but I'm at a loss for them.
I love the first bit of loose ends being tied up here, too. Everything's tying together in a way I certainly never expected! I'm still a bit confused--the whole "Ariel leaving and I can't figure out where it happened in the fic's timeframe" threw me off.
Don't forget the little things that can make moments like the flashbacks more powerful--as I was reading the squee-worthy passage, I got a great sense of connection between Ariel and Eric, but tiny things could've made it better. It's obviously not necessary to go into paragraphs of what the room looks like--it's dark and they're not likely to see it--but details still help. Was there moonlight trickling through the window or did they lay in darkness? Did the bed feel cold or was it a warm shelter? Did the sheets wrinkle under her, perhaps uncomfortably? Could she still smell the muggy air outside (adding to moodiness), the still-foreign scent of candle-wax (she was up late), or Eric (in a good way)? If Eric was close enough to her, could she feel his breath on the back of her neck (or wherever) as he spoke?
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 14, 2009 22:05:41 GMT -5
I'm glad you liked that passage. I really wanted to convey a sense of intimacy tinged with despair. More detail is probably a good idea, but that section is meant to be from Eric's perspective, so I'd be using what he sees/hears/feels. I was also trying to keep the flashes short and sweet, and focus on what's important to the story, And because they are also kind of supposed to represent memories, a certain blurriness was intentional. I'm not entirely sure if it worked though.
FYI the flashes are in chronological order and are of things that happened in the world Daemon came from. Hopefully that will be apparent after the next section goes up.
Thanks for the comment/critique!
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Post by fridamoonbeam on Feb 15, 2009 12:36:08 GMT -5
OMG! This is amazing! How heart-breaking :( But it works so well. I can only imagine how hard it would be for them with Ariel fighting off her deamons, and Eric not knowing what to do. I love how you embelish on Daemon's pain (I mean that in a nice way!) I can see how he'd be so tortured, but true to Eric, giving up on the person you love isn't an option BTW: Have you considered a possible cross-over where Daemon might have to fight Mozenrath? That could be very cool!
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 15, 2009 13:22:15 GMT -5
Just to let you guys know: BSS Chapters 1-9 are now up on Daring to Dream: cbl.orcein.net/thelittlemermaid/fanfic.htm#wickedelphieI have made some minor additions and changes but there's nothing significant enough where you'd have to read the new versions to understand what's going on. I should also have a new section up tonight. As for Mozenrath...I dunno. Honestly I think if anything I could see them teaming up if they had a short-term common goal. While Daemon wouldn't stand for innocent bystanders getting hurt in front of him, he doesn't really care so much about "people" in the abstract, or at least he likes to think he doesn't. A big thing is that Mozenrath's only permanent victims are his Mamluks, which he probably inherited from Destane, except for the one that *is* Destane, and Daemon's not exactly going to be crying any tears for an evil sorcerer. Long-term there'd be problems 'cause Moze would inevitably have a take-over scheme or whatever that would involve hurting innocents and Daemon would at first tell him to knock it off, and when that didn't work, then they'd throw-down. But during a brief partnership I could see them developing a twisted friendship of sorts.
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Post by fridamoonbeam on Feb 15, 2009 13:50:59 GMT -5
Just to let you guys know: BSS Chapters 1-9 are now up on Daring to Dream: cbl.orcein.net/thelittlemermaid/fanfic.htm#wickedelphieI have made some minor additions and changes but there's nothing significant enough where you'd have to read the new versions to understand what's going on. I should also have a new section up tonight. As for Mozenrath...I dunno. Honestly I think if anything I could see them teaming up if they had a short-term common goal. While Daemon wouldn't stand for innocent bystanders getting hurt in front of him, he doesn't really care so much about "people" in the abstract, or at least he likes to think he doesn't. A big thing is that Mozenrath's only permanent victims are his Mamluks, which he probably inherited from Destane, except for the one that *is* Destane, and Daemon's not exactly going to be crying any tears for an evil sorcerer. Long-term there'd be problems 'cause Moze would inevitably have a take-over scheme or whatever that would involve hurting innocents and Daemon would at first tell him to knock it off, and when that didn't work, then they'd throw-down. But during a brief partnership I could see them developing a twisted friendship of sorts. Oh, those are good points! Yeah, I was thinking if Daemon fought him it would have to be that he was talked into it by Ariel after she and Eric became good freinds with Al and Jas in a AU where Moze took over Agrabah. But I like your idea better LOL And now I'm REALLY wanting that to happen XD If you don't have the muse that's fine. But those two would rock
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Post by WickedElphie on Feb 15, 2009 16:04:51 GMT -5
I'm not promising anything until after BSS is finished, but to be honest, now that you've got me thinking about it, it would be a lot of fun to write. So-maybe.
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